Sunday, April 26, 2015

God is in the Rain.

God is in the rain.

I don't even believe in god the way many people do, and yet I've always loved that statement. I don't even know why. The sentiment, the beauty in it, I suppose.

Many people see rain as somber, a damper on a good day. Perhaps it's the pessimist in me that can't see it that way. Rain is beautiful. Everything about it, the sound, the smell, the feel... rain is purity in its most natural form.

I could sit here and watch the rain all night. It's one of the few things in the world that never fails to make me happy. The feel of it touching my face makes me smile no matter how many times I've felt it.

Rain calms me. As a person with anxiety, this is no small feat. Something so simple and beatiful.. it calms the side of me that is so often chaos.

I often have a point when I write on here... I don't have one this time. I just needed to write down these thoughts swirling in my head, because it's the first time in weeks when they've made sense.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Game

My soul is mine
My secrets locked tight
You don't know what I see
When you turn out the light

Call me crazy
And call me cold
But you don't know
What I've been through alone

I learned to let go
When they all walked away
When you ask me
I know just what to say

Yeah, I'm fine
Don't worry about me
Because if I let you in
You won't like what you see

You can't handle the truth
You prefer a pretty lie
Because I was too young
For my childhood to die

Your pity and sympathy
Is worthless here
You'll walk away too
So I won't let you near

You'll take it personal
And say you're not the same
That I just shouldn't trust
The ones who are to blame

I should tell you
Because you'll understand
You'll stick around
And keep holding my hand

I've heard that before
I don't care what you say
Trust is a game
And I don't want to play

I don't want to hear it
It's all bullshit in the end
But don't you worry
You're still a great friend...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Choices

Live life while I'm young
But don't get too old
Have fun and get out
Don't do as I'm told

        Find what I seek
        A love that will last
        Someone take me away
        forget about the past

Wild and free
Young and fun
Getting drunk with whoever
Getting burned by the sun

        Stable and safe
        How he understands
        I'm stubborn and crazy
        Just hold my hands

Save the world
Prove them wrong
Live the kind of life
To be written in songs

        Pull me closer
        When I push away
        Stay by my side
        When my trust strays

See the world
Feel the rain
Feel the adrenaline
Pump though my veins

        Feel my heart
        And see my mind
        My soul is yours
        So please be kind

    Risk my heart
    Risk my life
    What do I see
    When I close my eyes

    The dreams I want
    The happiness I seek
    I'm stuck in the middle
    Both out of reach.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Clocks

Tick...tock...tick..tock... The big move isn't for five more months, I've got so much time to see everyone before I go and get everything in order.

Tick...tock...tick...tock... The big move is three months away. Wow, that went by fast. It's really time to start thinking about making sure I do what I want to before I leave. I need to spend more time with my family.

Tick...tock...tick..tock... I just put in the 60 day notice on my apartment. This is really happening, isn't it? Every time I see my niece and nephews I realize how sweet each moment is. I mean, yeah, I'll still see them a few times a year. I'll come back. But they're so young. Will these precious memories of me fade?

Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick....tock...

Time is a cruel gift. Each moment we have, each day, each hour, each minute something that we take for granted and yet will never get back. In the time we have, is it wrong to choose the life that will bring us the most joy and happiness? And yet, as we make the sacrifices necessary to achieve that life, there is always that moment when you look back.

There was another path. So long ago, I made a choice. That choice led me down a path and took away time from things that might have been wonderful. I've made so many choices in my life for other people. I've sacrificed time and memories for the sake of the happiness of others. For the first time in my life, I'm choosing to be selfish. I am taking time and memories away from other people so that I can do what I've always dreamed of doing.

When I was younger, I dreamed of flying. It was practically an obsession. My step dad built a swing set in my back yard. I spent hours and hours on that thing, swinging as high as I could, dreaming that I could fly. Even as I got older, and fought the depression that threatened my very life, I dreamed of wings that would take me away from the pain and the place where I never truly felt I belonged.

Flying is no longer my dream. But I still dream. I dream of making a difference. I dream of being remembered. I dream of seeing the world. I dream of living, not just surviving. For that dream, I began by going to college and earning a degree. That was a series of steps I wasn't sure I could make it through, but I managed. The next series of steps has me scared more than I'd like to admit, but the road between here and Arizona is paved with the next steps of my dream.

I may look back on this path and wonder if I should have chosen another. I am sacrificing time and memories for the sake of other times and other memories. But there is a hope, a flicker of light, that this road, the one that scares me, will be the road that brings me closer to my dreams.

But in the end, what matters, if we didn't chase our dreams, and find our happiness along the way?

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
William Butler Yeats

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Essay - Population Crisis

In the year 1960, barely before my mother was born, the world had a population of 3 billion people. It had taken 33 years since it was at 2 billion in 1927, and the world’s first billion people was over 100 years before that in 1804. In barely more than 50 years since the world reached 3 billion people, we have more than doubled our population, reaching 7 billion in 2011.
                At the world’s current population growth, we add another billion people every 13 years. Every person on this planet needs food, water, healthcare, and other resources to survive. At what point are there not going to be enough of those resources for the billions upon billions of people that we have created?
                Already, people in third-world countries go without the basics that many of us consider to be necessary for survival: sanitation, clean water, a variety of nutritious foods, and basic healthcare, just to name a few. But many people say that this is mere selfishness of the first-world countries, where we are wasteful and over-indulge, that there is, in fact, enough to go around if it was actually evenly spread.
                The question is, how much can the world take? With current trends, we are eating up resources faster than we can figure out how to replace them, and outside of the first world, education is a privilege, not something that is seen as required. And as people continue to flood urban areas, because that’s where the jobs are, housing becomes more and more scarce. If you look at China and how they have people who have moved to the urban areas then live in horrid conditions, you can get a glimpse of what the rest of the world could be if we continue current trends of population and urbanization.
                 Along with the rapid growth in population has come the industrialization of the world. In the last hundred years, we have effectively ruined the world’s environment almost beyond repair. By constantly burning fossil fuels to power the things that make our lives easier, we have created an unsustainable way of life, not only for ourselves, but also for the planet.
                The topic of population control is almost a taboo in today’s society. How can we possibly tell people how many children they are allowed to have, or worse, stop them from having them altogether? Religion and lack of education have continued the belief that more children is better and taking away the right of people to choose that would cause a complete uproar.
                But here is a question that very few are willing to ask, and even more ignore completely: how can we possibly sustain our species on this planet with population growth happening the way it is. 1 billion people every thirteen years means that by 2115, only 100 years from now, the world’s population will be at 15 billion people.
                Is there enough farmland to sustain that many people? Probably not. Is there enough oxygen for that many people to breathe? If we keep cutting down the rainforests there won’t be. Is there enough clean drinking water for that many people to live? Remember that water is required to grow food as well. Sure 80% of the earth is water, but most of that is salt water. How can we possibly sustain this level of growth and still be able to survive?
                In the past, disease and infant mortality have kept the human race from rapid growth. With modern medicine, fatal communicable diseases are almost non-existent, infants live even when they’re born with what could have been fatal conditions, and people live twice as long as they did only a couple of hundred years ago. Modern medicine is considered a miracle, and I would not disagree with that. But life itself is a miracle and if we save every life, how can we keep all of life from ceasing to exist?
                The human race is incredibly egotistical. Because we’ve figured out how to communicate with one another and have opposable thumbs, we think this world is ours. It does belong to us, but it also belongs to every other living thing on this planet. And if this planet is ours, we need to start taking better care of our things. If this world was a classic car, it would be barely running with body damage and a terrible paint job and running out of gas in the middle of the desert with nowhere to fill up. It would also only have one seat left and ten more people to pick up before it reached the station.
                Globalization has done one major thing: it has forced us to see the world, not just our country; at least some of us, anyway. We see that people live every day without things we prize above our lives. We see that the Western way of life is destroying the ability to live for everyone on the planet, and most of them don’t live in a Western society.
                Education is the only remedy to the world’s current crisis. Educate the third world about reproductive health and make birth control available to them. Educate the Western society about the truth of global warming and the astronomical effects it will have on this world we live in. Educate the world about the need to slow down population growth before it’s too late. And educate the people who won’t listen. Educate the people who refuse to see. Only when there are more people who stand up for these things than people who won’t listen will there be real change. If that doesn’t happen, I fear for the lives my grandchildren may be forced to live, or maybe not be able to have at all.

Issues

I have issues. I know what you're thinking. "Who doesn't?" But as everyone is different and my issues and demons are my own to deal with, let me tell you...

My issues define me. I wish this was not the case and I'm trying every day for that to change, but it's hard. When I look around at the cycle of my life that has been repeating over and over and the common factor in all of these situations is me, it's hard to look past that. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Everyone has those moments when they feel isolated and alone. Everyone has a demon on their shoulder and skeletons in their closet but when those skeletons are creeping out of the closet and affecting every day life, something has to change. The question is, what? Is it truly possible for a person to realize that the problems in their life are on their own shoulders and no one else's and that it's time to make a change and then, BAM, they do it?

Throughout my life and the series of circumstances that have created the previously mentioned issues, I've made some fairly significant life changes. The people who see me through rose-colered glasses like to say I've overcome challenges. But I can't say I've overcome them when they are always with me. They are always there, nudging me and reminding me why. Why I can't trust, why I'm alone, why I'm crazy, why I should stay away from people who might cause me to feel. I have a million reasons why I can't do a million things and plenty of affirmations from my past to back them up.

I know it's time to look into the future. But how do I make the changes I need to make? How do I make sure that when I'm ready to move on from this place in my life, that I won't be bringing my reasons along with me?

"You see, I'm trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe. We all learn to make mistakes and run from them with no direction..." - Paramore

Inked Innocence

My dreams are a rainstorm
Unpredictable and darkly beautiful
Everyone is proud
But I see the shame in their eyes

My tattoos didn’t hurt
At least I told Larry they didn’t
When he took away the cleanliness
Of my once clear, pale skin

The buzz of the machine
Sends a shiver down my spine
And the cold needle
Steals what’s left of my childhood

The ink permanently penetrating
And staining my body
Feels like an angry cat
That just won’t let go

Carefully hidden
When I walk into work
Because Kaci is a smart girl
And has to look professional

I will be successful
Despite the stigma you give me
My soul is displayed in art
I am more than just a canvas