Broken

I've been trying hard to be positive lately, and it's done some amazing things for my happiness and overall attitude in life. But that doesn't mean that all of the things that have always brought me down aren't still there.

The truth is, there are days when I don't think about the past. There are days when it seems like I'm doing things right and even though its not prefect, I'll get it figured out. And then there are other days...

Days when no matter what I do, I can't get my past out of my head. Days when I remember all the reasons I've never been good enough. Days when I can't stop thinking about why I'm alone. Days when I feel overwhelmed by the negativity.

On days like today, I want to give up. I just want to say screw it and get in my car and drive away and leave my past in the life I'll leave behind and start over somewhere else. Forget all of the bullshit and the pain and find a new me somewhere that no one knows who the old me was. But I know that these issues are bigger than that. They are a part of who I am. Each circumstance that has messed me up has also helped shape who I am.

When I'm living in my world of positivity, it's easy to forget how serious my issues can be. When I'm not putting myself in circumstances where I have to deal with them, I can almost forget about them. But the truth is, no matter how much I try to kid myself, I still have an almost crippling fear of abandonment. My anxiety still gets the better of me sometimes. My attachment issues continue to define my relationships.

Deep down, I'm still broken. 

That's not an easy thing to admit. Yes, I'm doing better. Yes, I'm so much happier. But part of that is that I don't let anyone in far enough to have to deal with the issues. I keep everyone at arms length and  develop superficial relationships where I never have to get to the part of me that's not so pretty.

I still run. I still hide. I still have walls so high I don't know if I will ever find where I put the door and where I put the key cuz I found a super great hiding place for that so that it would be hard for anyone to get in... 

I'm making changes. I'm bettering so many parts of myself. But it's like I think that if I ignore these parts of me, they'll just go away. Or maybe I think that when I find the right person, they won't matter. But they matter. Or else I wouldn't have been dealing with them for so much of my life.

If I'm always wondering why I'm not good enough, when will I accept that I am? If I'm always thinking everyone will leave, what is going to make them stay? If I'm always keeping myself at a distance, why would anyone let me close? 

I'm living for today, and I'm having fun and its good for me right now. But eventually, I'm going to have to deal with this shit or I'm never going to have a promising tomorrow...

"All I want is for you to see the side that I don't show to anyone in fear that they may turn and run..."