Need

I need people. Not like most people need people. When I give myself to someone, when I let them in, the way I begin to need them becomes a desperation. This might stem from the fact that I'm so afraid of people leaving me that I do everything in my power to make sure they don't.  If I got far enough that I've let them inside of my walls and ive decided to trust them, I will do anything to keep them.

I imagine,  with the right person, this would not be a flaw.  It makes me insanely loyal and giving and unselfish with those people I care about. The problem is that with the wrong people, which I've realized is most people, it is seen as needy and desperate and weak. Going through so many of the people who see it that way has started to make me see it that way, as a weakness.

My wise step father once said to me that I give all of myself to the people I care about and that while he has seen so many people come and go in his own life, he realized how much harder it must be for me to go through that with the way that I care about people. I knew when he said it that it was true, but until that moment, I'd never realized how much other people really do see how much I care and, once they've actually gotten to know me, see that this part of me can be something that is valued.

I often wish I was different. I wish that I was better at superficial relationships. I wish that I could find a middle ground where I could let people in a little but not so much that it breaks me when they walk away. I've tried. Again and again in my life I have tried. But I always end up back in the same place, I gave someone my heart,  I gave them everything I had to give, and in the end, they don't need me, but I need them because I already gave them everything.

I don't want to need people the way I do. I want to be someone who can find friends easily and be someone who is easy to love, but I'm not. I'm hard to love. I'm emotional and I feel everything in a way that most people can't comprehend. I feel everything more intensely than almost anyone else I've ever met. When those feelings are good, it is amazing. I can be happy and content with the most minor of things. When they are bad, it is a black hole. I get upset and angry and self destructive just to find a way to ease the pain I'm feeling with such intensity.

I can only imagine how hard that must be to deal with. I can't imagine how it must feel to see someone need you so much and not need them. Mostly because I've never been on that side of this. When I love, I love with everything I have, and when I love, I need. I need to reassurance that that person isn't going to leave, which usually means that they do leave in the end because they get exhausted dealing with it.

All of this has made me distrust people. It has left me scarred and jaded and convinced that this cycle will continue. I know what you're thinking, "so do something about it, make the change, just do it." But I can't lessen my emotions. I've tried more times than I can count. I have made changes in my life. I have done everything I knew how to do to make sure that the cycle doesn't repeat. But in the end, I always end up back here. Because I care too much, because I feel too much,  because I love with everything and then I'm left with nothing. I don't want to change how much I care. I don't want to change how much I love. I just want someone to see it and appreciate it and love me because of it and not in spite of it.

I keep telling myself that person is real and will come along someday. But my somedays are starting to feel like they're running low.